A Warm Embrace
As I type the word “Covid” more and more in emails and documents, Google still does not recognize it. It underlines it in red as if to say, “There’s no such word.” How we wish there was no such word! And when Google finally recognizes it we will probably be deeper into this nightmare than we ever imagined. I realized again yesterday as I felt flat and dull with a heart that felt void that the reason might be that I have no context for what is going on around me. I’ve described it as emotional, mental and spiritual vertigo. I don’t know what is up and what is down. We’ve never known anything like this before in all of life. Yesterday, I even asked my parents, who are in their 80’s, if they had ever experienced something like this, and they shook their heads slowly. None of us have a place to put this in our brains. No context along with the open-endedness of it all is giving us deep feelings that are unrecognizable. “What in the world is going on?” used to be a rhetorical question but now is an everyday reality that has leaves me feeling more blank and confused with every passing hour.
I recently described to a friend how I felt when she asked me how I was relating to God in the fog of Covid-19. I told her that it seemed like He was distant, although I knew He wasn’t. My capacity to relate to those around me seems almost zero as my own Covid world is spinning. It’s all I can do to just process my own stuff. My cup is so filled to the brim with anxiety, curiosity, worry and fear that it's all I can do to just process the day-to-day tasks and responsibilities of life. Working from home, taking care of loved ones, and taking care of myself in the midst of uncertainty is just too much. So no wonder my relationship with God has been affected as well. I want to feel His nearness, His purposes and His providence in the face of this new and not welcomed world I am living in. I long to feel intimacy with Him and see Him working in supernatural ways all around this situation but I don’t and that makes me sad. My wise friend reminded me that He is near and to ask Him to show up in my life in new ways like I’ve never seen Him. Look to Him to reveal Himself to me in creative ways. Give myself permission to not muster up some sort of faux reality of His presence to make myself feel better...rest, ask and wait. So I prayed, “God give me eyes to see you in a new way like never before. I’m desperate.”
Our son and his family have lived in East Asia for much of the past six months running from the virus and finally returning to the US as they were counseled by the organization for whom they work. In their return, they moved in with us and we made a decision to not completely quarantine but to socially distance from them for a while. As you can imagine this has been incredibly difficult for us to not hold and touch our two little grandsons ages two-years and five months. I had no idea how often I touched these guys until I couldn’t. I would reach for them or think it's time for a hug or a horsey ride on my knees only to remember, again, no touching! Even the little two-year-old noticed. He could tell I was distant and not treating him in the warm and welcoming way that I had in the past. He would curiously look at me as if to say, “What’s changed?” It made me sad that the virus had separated us and we couldn’t enjoy our closeness represented by reading books and little patty-cake games with him on my lap. And to make matters worse, he was too young to understand.
As time has lapsed we have begun to relax as no virus symptoms have appeared, like so many families around the world are doing. Yesterday, I walked in the room and my son said to his little guy, “Go give Nanna Anna a hug.” I paused hoping so much that he would feel comfortable in the midst of our confusing separation. Without missing a beat he walked over and slowly reached up for me with his little toddler arms. I bent down and as I lifted him up he literally melted into me and the weight of his little head rested on my shoulder. He felt so close and warm, like a physical closeness I hadn’t remembered. You know how much you appreciate something when you go without it? I was beyond thankful for the reuniting of our relationship and that he remembered how much I loved him in spite of the Covid estrangement. And in that moment, I felt God’s presence with me as if to say, “Here I am. No Virus can separate me from you. Neither of us has forgotten how much we love each other. Just give it some time. Rest. I am here and I love you. There is no need to wonder.”
The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture…None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. Romans 8:34b-39 (The Message)
